How To Be a Supportive Friend, Partner Or Co-worker When the World Needs It Most

By Jessica Knapp

We may be physically distancing, but we still can be there for each other. As an academic pursuing a Ph.D. in communication, I researched social support.

Now, as a writer and communication consultant, I use my knowledge of social support to help people better connect, communicate empathy, listen and build community. I want to share some of what I know because, in many ways, good social support has never been more important.

In my daily work, I often find myself trying to create comfort and ease for people who are sick and forced out of routine because their everyday reality has become something they never imagined it could be. We’re all in that position these days.

Some of us do not have any extra time or energy to give. But if you do, here are some research-backed tips on ways to be helpful to the people in your community.

How Social Support Helps

First, let’s talk about why this topic even matters. In the field of communication, the process of figuratively reaching out and offering assistance to someone in need is known as social support.

Social support is essential to satisfying interpersonal relationships. It makes us feel better about our relationships with the people who are offering support. Good social support is linked to a longer life, reduced incidence of disease and better illness recovery and coping with chronic illness.

People who are satisfied with their social support are happier in life and face less mental illness. Social support also makes us feel better about our relationships with the people who are offering support.

In both emotional and physical terms, good social support is associated with good health. A study by Kroenke and her colleagues (2006) supported the idea that breast cancer patients who were socially isolated at the time of diagnosis had a 66 percent increased risk of mortality. A Swedish study of 736 men found smoking and lack of social support to be the two leading risk factors for coronary heart disease among middle-aged men. Older women with strong social ties are less likely to show signs of dementia than those who do not have strong social ties. LePore et al. (1993) found that in the instance of an acute stressor (in their case, reactions to the stress of giving a public speech), the mere presence of a friend could lower the physical effects of the stress.

These results suggest that merely the presence of a silent friend, even one who might not be able to think of anything to say, could potentially be read as effectively supportive during times of distress.

It helps us manage uncertainty

Researchers have argued that social support from others helps us manage uncertainty by assisting with information seeking and avoiding, facilitating skill development, allowing ventilation and encouraging perspective shifts, among other things. Social support can help us arrive at the level of uncertainty we desire. Our friends might give us advice or help us reframe a situation until we find the right story to suit the level of uncertainty with which we are most comfortable.

For example, during a breakup, your then-partner might say, “It’s not you; it’s me.” This can be a confusing statement, so you call your best friend for help deciphering what your now ex-partner meant. The friend reframes the comment as your ex needing some time to work on himself/herself before being a good partner for anyone: “Maybe someday in the future, it could work out for you two, but he just doesn’t have it in him to be a good boyfriend right now.” This new perspective on the matter could be surprisingly helpful, and at least in this case, your friend has done a great job of providing you with effective social support.

Or in our current times, you may be feeling a lot of uncertainty about the future. Maybe you’ve lost your job, or are worried you will lose your job. You call your best friend, who reminds you “sometimes the best opportunities come out of our biggest challenges, and last time you got laid off, the next job you found was the best job you’ve ever had.” In this case, the friend may not reduce your uncertainty, but reframes the situation enough to help you become more comfortable with your current level of uncertainty. Despite the obvious help that social support can be, it does not always operate in a straightforward, positive manner.

But it’s not always helpful

As helpful as social support can be, some attempts at support are more helpful than others. In trying to be supportive, we can make things better, but we can also make things worse. In everyday situations, simply bringing up a sensitive topic may cause negative emotions for a conversation partner or remind them of a topic that they are trying not to think about. In addition, it is possible to say something that makes a person feel worse about the way they are handling a delicate situation.

For example, by asking a recently unemployed friend how their job search is going, you may intend to offer support by checking in on their general emotional state, but as a result of your question, you may remind your friend of the stressful event (which they might be trying to avoid thinking about), and your question will likely offer little social support.

Types of social support that work well

Right now, you might be replaying the last few attempts you made at being supportive and reevaluating how well you did. Unfortunately for all of us, one of the rules of communication is that it is irreversible, and we all say the wrong thing at times. And social support is deceptively complicated.

But, there are some types of support that are generally rated more positively by the people who receive that support.

Just listen

One type of support people tend to enjoy is just being listened to when they are in the mood to discuss their problems. When someone starts talking to you about a frustrating situation, let them talk. Don’t compare their situation to something you experienced. Don’t feel pressure to find a solution. Just let them vent. There is great power in being able to share and in being heard. Be the person who hears someone. Listening to another person with full attention is a gift.

You can’t force another person into sharing. They have to be ready to share. But it never hurts to genuinely ask someone, “How are you doing?” or “What did you do today?” or “What was today like for you?”

This directive sounds simple, but it is powerful. When I lead workshops with healthcare workers, the people who blow me away with their ability to display empathy and connect with their patients are, undoubtedly, good listeners. They tell stories that describe details of their patients’ lives others never take the time to hear. The listeners connect more deeply with everyone. Be a listener.

 Focus on the other person

One of the pioneers of social support research, Brant Burleson, reminds us that the best support focuses on the other person. He labels the best support as person-centered messages. These messages are focused on the experience of the other and are empathetic. The best of them also reframe the situation for the person who needs support.

Comforting messages are scored for the level to which they acknowledge the perspective of the message target and elaborate upon and grant legitimacy to the feelings and perspective of the target. Messages that are more centered on the other’s personal perspective will be perceived as more sophisticated.

Less sophisticated strategies might tell the other person how they should feel, while more sophisticated ones will empathize with their feelings or even allow for the other person to have a range of feelings and feel whatever they want in their own time. People think of themselves as individuals, and their own psychological lives become especially salient during times of crisis. Thus, appealing to that individuality is perceived as more sophisticated messaging and can make for a more successful comforting attempt.

Burleson’s research separates supportive messages into those that offer low support, medium support and high support. Let’s say we have a friend named Cheryl who’s father is in the hospital with COVID-19, and we want to say something supportive. Using Burleson’s scale of support messages, here are some options of what we might say.

A low-support message might be something like: “Well, he is 65. You can’t expect him to live THAT much longer.” This message denies the stress and upset of the situation and minimizes Cheryl’s feelings.

A mid-level message offering support would be something like “Wow, I’m sorry to hear that your dad is sick. My aunt is at home with the virus, too.”

This message acknowledges that Cheryl is upset, although only allows for a certain level of emotion on her part, and the message is still instructing her how she should feel to some extent. Also, after a brief focus on Cheryl, the speaker moves on to their own situation.

A high support message would be something like: “I heard your dad is sick. How are you feeling about that? I am so grateful he is receiving care in a good hospital.” This message is focused on the other person and gives them space to feel any way they want about the illness. It also makes an attempt to reframe the situation and focus on gratitude for the father’s good care.

Act when possible

Another strong strategy for support is to take action whenever possible.

Generally, actions are rated as more supportive than words. People feel most helped by what we call task support or tangible support. That means instead of reminding your romantic partner that the dishes need to be done, you could simply do the dishes yourself. Or, instead of telling your partner to take their heart pill, you could put the pill out on the counter with a glass of water.

One interesting study found that people who perceive receiving social support were actually more depressed the following day; whereas, people who received social support from their partners but did not perceive that they had been given support (i.e., their partners had been supportive in a subtle way), felt less anxious, less stressed and less depressed the following days. This study indicates that social support might be most effective when it is least obvious. One possible explanation for the increased effectiveness of lower-profile support is that overt social support requires mentioning the stressor in a way that reminds the target of their stress. If the problem is not consciously on the target’s mind, but the helper brings it up in order to offer support, the sum total of the support may not outweigh the stress of bringing the stress into the target’s conscious mind.

Sometimes verbal reminders feel like nagging, even though the intention might be just to help. With task support, the supported person is more likely to receive the support exactly as it is intended, as simply a good-natured attempt to be helpful.

If you are quarantined with someone, task support might be simple to try. If you are quarantined by yourself, you may need to be a bit more creative. Maybe you can send a funny picture or video clip to a friend who is feeling down. Maybe you could leave groceries on someone’s doorstep. Or have a meal delivered to a family member. Or Venmo a few dollars to a local small business that is struggling.

This moment is particularly frustrating because, in being stuck at home, we are limited in the actions we can perform. But even small and symbolic actions count as task support.

Don’t be afraid to try

People often avoid giving support because they are afraid they will not say or do the exact right thing. But I think people are more sophisticated receivers of communication than we give them credit for. Most people understand that you are attempting to do something thoughtful, even if the action does not come across 100 percent perfectly. And people appreciate the effort, especially when they are in great distress, which many people are now. The benefits of good social support are so great. It is essential to building and sustain community and close relationships. And right now, we need it more than ever.

References

Brashers, D. E., Neidig, J. L., & Goldsmith, D. J. (2004). Social support and the management of uncertainty for people living with HIV or AIDS. Health Communication, 16, 305–331.

Bolger, N., Zuckerman, A., & Kessler, R. C. (2000). Invisible support and adjustment to stress. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79, 953–961.

Burleson, B. R. (1985). The production of comforting messages: Social-cognitive foundations. Journal of Language and Social Psychology, 4, 253–273.

Burleson, B. R., & Samter, W. (1985). Consistencies in theoretical and naïve evaluations of comforting messages. Communication Monographs, 52, 103 — 123.

Crooks, V. C., Lubben, J., Petitti, D. B., Little, D., and Chiu, V. (2007). Social network, cognitive function, and dementia incidence among elderly women. American Journal of Public Health, 98(7), 1221–1227.

Goldsmith, D. J. (2004). Communicating social support. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Kroenke, C. H., Kubzansky, L. D., Schernhammer, E. S. Holmes, M. D., & Kawachi, I. (2006). Social networks, social support, and survival after breast cancer diagnosis. American Society of Clinical Oncology, 24(7), 1105–1111.

Lepore, S. J., Mata Allen, K. A., & Evans, G. W. (1993). Social support lowers cardiovascular reactivity to an acute stressor. Psychosomatic Medicine, 55, 518–524.

Orth-Gomer, K. Rosengren, A., & Wilhelmsen, L. (1993). Lack of social support and incidence of coronary heart disease in middle-aged Swedish men. American Psychosomatic Society, 55(1), 37–43.

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Jessica Knapp holds a Ph.D. in health communication from the University of Texas at Austin, she leads trainings on negotiations for creatives and person-centered communication for healthcare practitioners. She has taught at the college level for 10 years and currently teaches strategic communication at Seattle University.

Jessica and Ted Leonhardt are leading the workshop—Negotiations for Creatives—January 11-15. The workshop includes five two-hour Zoom sessions from 10 to noon each day.

Follow her @patreon.com/jessicaknapp. You can reach her at: jessica.knapp@gmail.com