By Quint Studer
No one enjoys conflict and confrontation. Unfortunately, leaders must be able to handle conflict or we’re not doing our job. We need to be able to hold tough and productive conversations and address conflicts inside the organization.
It benefits all leaders to master the art of resolving conflict, while preserving great relationships. The good news is that tough conversations can actually strengthen relationships—if you handle them the right way.
Before you go into a tough conversation, ask:
- Am I being fair and consistent?
- Am I too focused on being “right”?
- Do I need to call in a witness, document the conversation or consider other legalities?
Read on for some tips for having difficult conversations:
Stay focused on preserving the relationship. It is possible to convey difficult messages while treating the person with dignity, respect and empathy. If you damage the relationship, you shut down future opportunities for collaboration and innovation.
Consider that you might be wrong. Go in with an open mind. You may not know all the variables causing the person to do the things he or she is doing. Often, we hear something unexpected that shifts our perspective.
Before you call the meeting, get clear on what you want to say. Be sure you can express the problem, how it’s impacting others and what must change. Be prepared with hard metrics: “You missed the sales goals by 37 percent last quarter” or “You’ve been absent 13 days in the past six months.”
Schedule a time to discuss the issue and give the person a fair warning. For example, say, “I’d like to chat about what happened with the Jones account. Can we meet tomorrow morning at 8?” This gives the person a chance to gather their thoughts and prepare emotionally for the meeting.
Meet on neutral ground. It’s usually best not to call the person into your office. This shifts the balance of power and puts the other person on the defensive. It’s better to meet in a conference room or restaurant. This signals that this is a solutions-centered discussion, not a dressing-down from an authority figure.
Be collaborative, not authoritarian. You want the other person to work with you to make things better. Ask positive questions like, How are you feeling about our partnership? What do you think led to this issue? It’s good to listen to the other person’s perspective and to compromise when you can. It shows the person you respect and value them.
When you ask questions, give the person time to gather their thoughts. Don’t just talk to assert your point of view or fill up silence. This comes across as you steamrolling over the other person.
Listen actively. It’s all too easy to spend your time calculating your response and not really listening. Try to stay focused on understanding what the person is saying, both verbally and nonverbally.
Keep things civil. Never yell, insult, threaten or bully the person. If things begin to escalate, end the meeting and reschedule when you’re both calmer. A single episode of bad behavior can tear down a relationship that took years to build.
End with an action item. Ideally, you both will have a task going forward. This way you can schedule a follow-up conversation to see if things have changed for the better.
Most people will never enjoy tough conversations, but one can get more comfortable with them. People often find they are the catalyst for growth. They get people unstuck and moving in a positive direction.
Quint Studer is the author of the Wall Street Journal bestseller, The Busy Leader’s Handbook, and a life-long businessman, entrepreneur, and student of leadership. He has worked with individuals at all levels and across a variety of industries to help them become better leaders and create high-performing organizations. To learn more, please visit www.thebusyleadershandbook.com, www.vibrantcommunityblueprint.com, and www.studeri.org.